


What Makes a Man

by KurageMafia



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blackwatch Era, Blackwatch Jesse McCree, Blackwatch Reaper | Gabriel Reyes, Body Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Fall of Overwatch, Self-Hatred, Trans Jesse McCree, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Trust Issues, massive transphobia be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KurageMafia/pseuds/KurageMafia
Summary: Jesse was clearly hiding something, and Gabriel was going to do his damnedest to get to bottom of it.-Where Jesse hides the fact that he is trans, and Gabriel slowly catches on.TRIGGER WARNINGS - transphobia, transphobic families, dysphoria
Relationships: Jesse McCree/Reaper | Gabriel Reyes
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	What Makes a Man

**Author's Note:**

> Again, TRIGGER WARNINGS - transphobia, transphobic families, body dysphoria
> 
> Please stay safe!
> 
> This is partly based off of my own emotions and experiences but also based on those of other transgender people and adapted to fit Jesse's story.
> 
> As ever thanks to my amazing beta reader AquaeLucidae for beta-reading this!

The new recruit, in Gabriel's opinion, was odd. Unlike anything he'd ever seen.

The kid could turn, quick as whip, and shoot you dead between the eyes before you could say 'go', and yet took four years deciding what to pick out of the communal fridge. He was brilliant at complying to orders in the field, and yet back at base he'd smart-mouth and whine his way out of every dress code violation in the book.

Weird things too. Like his adamant refusal to shave the rather pathetic litter of stubble that proudly smeared his chin. Gabriel remembers that day in his office where, like any other, he was stuck signing and checking paperwork, when Jesse had been frog-marched in by none other than Jack Morrison.

Gabriel had tiredly glared up at the pair. The blonde seemed ready to pop a blood vessel, and the brunette seemed on the brink of tears. "What in the hell-"

"He's tryna' make me shave my beard boss!" Jesse protested, eyes wide and bottom lip jutting out as he spoke.

"It's standard regulation!" Jack stiffly argued back.

"Why do you not want to shave it Jesse?" Gabriel asked calmly, earning himself a dagger of the eyes from Jack.

"'Cause I spent a real' long time tryna' grow one!"

"It will grow back you know."

"You don't know that!" Jesse insisted.

Gabriel sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Does he have to shave it off Jack?"

Jack groaned in frustration. "Fine, you can keep it. You're getting soft Reyes."

Jesse beamed at Gabriel, before bounding happily out of the office, with Jack defeatedly trudging out after him.

Now that Gabriel was really thinking back, there were other odd things Jesse did that didn't make sense. One particular incident stuck out to him, again early on in his recruitment.

Jesse had been in a testing simulation against another agent. They were in all the protective gear but they were using fake bullets and knives. Gabriel had watched the fight from a window above the training room, where they had audio access to the fight and both agent's vitals on screen.

Agent Redford shot at Jesse, and Jesse ducked, barrel rolling behind cover. He waited there for a moment before sending peek shots out at Redford, who in response laughed a taunting laugh. 

"That all you got, McCree? You shoot like a girl."

Jesse seemed to completely snap, lurching out from his cover to send three shots directly at Redford's face. Two of them hit square, declaring the agent eliminated. But Jesse was far from done, launching himself straight at Redford and tackling him to the ground. He deftly wrapped an arm around his neck and squeezed. 

Reyes felt his heart jump to his throat as he watched agent Redford's oxygen plummet on the vitals reader.

"Agent McCree! Stand down! That's an order!"

McCree looked up at the speakers that Gabriel's voice boomed out of. Then he looked down at Redford, who was uselessly batting at Jesse's arm constricting his airways. Jesse let go, sending Redford straight to the ground, wheezing and cursing.

" **I ain't a girl, y'hear?** " Jesse spat, turning and abruptly storming out of the training facility.

Jack had called for Jesse's immediate suspension, but Redford surprisingly has asked not to press charges. 

_"Nah, I was askin' for it, really!"_

If that wasn't enough oddity about the young man, Gabriel seemed to remember more and more instances of Jesse being out of character. Like how the usually confident and cocky man point blank refused to shower or even get changed around any of his teammates. Or like how any time his voice cracked he coughed incredibly awkwardly and his voice seemed deeper the next time he talked. Or even that odd period last month where Jesse had been completely out of commission on Angela's orders, claiming he was "recovering from an injury related surgery", and refused to go into further details despite Gabriel being Jesse's commander for Christ's sake.

Jesse was clearly hiding something, and Gabriel was going to do his damnedest to get to bottom of it.

Truthfully, Gabriel was worried. His mind immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion. What if Jesse was being blackmailed or abused? Or he'd developed insecurities from being mistreated somehow? Or if he was involved with any illegal trades?

He tried not to think about it, but Gabriel's mind was always one for the dramatics.

Gabriel usually wasn't the kind of commander to nose too deeply into this agents' personal lives, but he figured this was an exception. Jesse had had a rough beginning, and Gabriel had admittedly grown very close to the man in the years he had watched him grow up. 

And so, Gabriel did something he would forever be ashamed of.

He broke into Jesse's room.

Well, broke in was a harsh word. He had access to every room anyways, but this time it wasn't for any innocent intentions like dropping some soup by a sick agent.

He began his search for anything suspicious under the bed. He didn't know what to expect really.

Drugs? Alcohol? Some sort of shameful sex toy? A letter of admission? After scrounging around in the layers of personal belongings, Gabriel pulled out a diary. He didn't think Jesse would be the sort to write down his feelings.

He decided it would be a last resort. A last breach of privacy if he couldn't find anything damning.

He started on the drawers next. Casual shirts and bottoms were stacked neatly in each, but in the underwear drawer, (which Gabe wasn't thrilled in any sense to search) Gabriel discovered a strange garment. It seemed quite robust. Stretchy enough to wear but tight. It was a dark grey colour, and appeared to be slightly stretched. It looked like some sort of pull-on sports bra with no cups, or like a really structured, cropped vest.

Gabriel puzzled about it for a moment, but placed it to the side. It could be something, but the answer wasn't obvious.

Next, he searched the wardrobe. Apart from a disgusting array of dumb hats and brazen belt buckles, there was nothing of particular interest there either.

At this point, guilt was shredding Gabriel's nerves to pieces. He knew his reason for doing this but this was Jesse's private property. Surely he should have a little more faith in the man?

Swallowing thickly, Gabriel compromised with himself. Tidy everything away just as it was, and leave, with a quick flick through the diary to be safe.

The first part was easy.

The second part? 

Gabriel spend a good ten minutes stood in the middle of Jesse's room staring at the plain black cover of the personal book.

He took a deep breath, having made up his mind, and began to leaf through the pages.

_It don't always feel right I think I need help There's always this pressure I can't help it I don't want to..._

_I'm trapped in it I just feel heavy Why me? Should I tell someone?_

_Some days are worse than others Ma said I couldn't I want to be fixed I don't wanna be this way_

_Will God hate me? I hate this dress It's too much Why the hell am I feeling this way?_

_I swear they ain't mine Can't I give them to someone else? It's not enough It feels wrong_

_I'm so uncomfortable Joel said I'll get over it I hope it goes away Why me?_

_It hurts. Like inside I didn't ask for this. I hate the way they look on me I just wanted to look like him I can't do this_

_Vicky said she wouldn't be friends anymore I can't tell anyone Why did God want me to be like this?_

_Pa hit me for not wearing the dress he bought_ _I just need help I can't spend my life like this Something has to change..._

_I don't think I can do this I don't feel like a girl Why couldn't I have been born a boy? Why does nobody understand?_

_I told ma and pa_

_Oh God I really am going to hell._

Gabriel closed the book, hands shaking, wondering when he'd started crying. He stared around at the empty walls of Jesse's room wondering how many pain-filled nights of crying and loathing they contained.

How could he have been so dense? He was supposed to be his commander. His ally. His teammate. Was he unapproachable, or was he not doing his job of looking after his team?

Gabriel now truly did hate himself. He'd completely broken any privacy and trust Jesse had put in him. Gabriel should be the one going to hell. Not Jesse. Never Jesse.

"Hey Boss, what's goin' on?" 

Gabriel's eyes snapped upwards to see Jesse's tall figure leaning against the illuminated doorframe. How long had Gabriel been in here anyways? More importantly how long had Jesse been watching Gabriel cry on his floor.

"Oh. I see." Gabriel looked back up at Jesse. "I didn't realise you were one for snoopin'." Gabriel inwardly cringed. Jesse's eyes were trained on the diary in Gabriel's still shaking hand, and then to the article of clothing Gabriel had fished from his drawer that lay discarded beside him. "Ya found my old binder?" He let out a bitter laugh. "I dunno why I still hang onto it really. I don't need it anymore after the surgery." Jesse looked down into Gabriel's face. Both of them had an emotional but unreadable expression. "I probably should've told ya already huh?" 

"Told me what?" Gabriel croaked out.

"Y'know, that I'm trans?" Jesse smiled awkwardly. "I guess I just didn't want ya thinkin' of me any differently. I already lost one family because of it. Didn't want to lose another."

Jesse joined Gabriel on the worn carpet. "Aren't you mad at me for going through your stuff?"

Jesse thought for a moment. "I am I guess, but ya' look a bit rough an' I owe you an explanation."

"You don't owe me shit Jesse." Gabriel shot back, staring Jesse dead in the face.

Jesse's eyes widened, and he reached up to the back of his own neck for comfort. "I ain't gonna stop you from hatin' me for it."

"Hating you for it?? The fuck do you mean?" Gabriel's eyes narrowed at Jesse. He couldn't imagine what Jesse had been through in order to make him so secretive about himself.

"Ya mean, ya don't hate me for it?" Jesse's tone was shocked, and Gabriel's heart broke.

"Why in the hell would I?" Gabriel was struggling to keep a handle on his voice. It wavered as he grew louder.

"I just thought- I mean. You looked all sad an' disappointed... I thought-"

"Disappointed in myself! That you feel this way!" Gabriel gulped down some air before continuing, this time quieter. "That I never noticed. That you went years without support. That I haven't helped you. That I made it worse for you."

Jesse let out an empty laugh. "Worse for me? Gabriel you were the first person I met who treated me normally. I needed that. After gettin' kicked out, I joined Deadlock because I didn't get a choice. Ashe knew all about it and so did the other guys. We were all raised the same. They weren't happy about it but I did my job." Jesse's eyes became clouded as he recalled his memories. "You were a fresh start for me. I got surgery with Angela's help. Got the hormones and therapy. Even though you didn't know, you treated me like a normal human no matter my gender. Like an agent. Like I was like everyone else and that nothing was wrong with me-"

"Nothing is wrong with you." Gabriel grabbed Jesse's hands suddenly. "There is nothing wrong with you Jesse. You don't need fixing and you're not going to hell. You are valid and I swear on my life if any bastard ever dares to say otherwise-" Gabriel stopped himself, and let his eyes drop to the ground. "If anyone ever gives you any trouble over it you tell me alright?" He glanced back up into the eyes of Jesse.

Jesse's smile was wide. Wild. Like the beam in his office after the shaving incident but ten times _more._ "Thanks Gabe. Really."

Gabriel shook his head. "There's no reason to thank me. You shouldn't have to have me tell you these things for you to know them."

"I'm working on it." Jesse said with a final smile. He propped himself up on his heels and clapped a hand on Gabriel's back. "Now I'm starvin', but I think we missed dinner! Say, how's about late night movie and snacks? Or are you too uptight to share some Cheetos?"

Gabriel stood shakily to his feet with McCree's help, and laughed weakly. "I'd like nothing more."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks ever so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed and leave kudos on your way out! Let me know what you think in the comments too! Hearing feedback always makes my day!
> 
> As ever stay safe and have a great day! 
> 
> _ KurageMafia


End file.
